I’m not going to go into the first part of my weekend, since that involved somewhat incriminating activities and there may come a day when I’ll show my mother this blog, and this is a conversation I’d rather not have with her. So, I’ll just talk about the past twenty minutes.
I had just finished a conversation with my parents, finishing by double-checking I had money in my bank account to confirm I didn’t need them to send me anything. I closed my bank information in my safe, and said goodbye.
Once I hung up, I noticed my keys weren’t on my desk. Or where I keep the safe. Or in my bed. Or under my bed. Or in my clothes hamper.
Me, calling my parents back and receiving their voicemail: Hey, so there’s a small chance I may have messed up a little bit. I locked my keys in my safe. Call me back, please. Love you. Bye.
Texting my friends on the group chat: Hey, does anyone know if UPD will help you break into safes?
Texting my friends: Your own safe, that is.
Texting my friends: Follow up question: does anyone know how to pick locks?
After waiting for roughly ten seconds, I gave up, and decided to go to one of my suitemates.
Me: Hey. So, do you know how to pick locks?
Him: No, but I could try. I might be able to pry it open. Is there anything you really need in there?
Me: Yes, drugs.
Him: *raises an eyebrow*
Me: My drugs. Prescription drugs. Which I need, as evidenced by the fact that I’m freaking out right now.
Me: The Internet says paperclips work for picking locks, but I can’t find any.
Him: It’d be pretty easy if you had a rake.
Me: No rake, but I’m waiting to hear back from one of my friends. My back-up plan is just to smash it to pieces with a hammer.
Him: That would work.
My roommate: Bobby pins work. I learned that from Fallout 4.
Him: Do you have any bobby pins?
Me: *helplessly holding up bangs that don’t even hang past my eyebrows*
Him: Yeah, me neither.
Me: I’ll go ask around.
After knocking on several doors, I found some.
Me: Thank you! If they don’t break, I’ll give them back.
I handed them to my suitemate, who immediately snapped the first one in half.
Him: You made empty promises.
I looked over at the WikiHow article on picking locks-- because of course one exists.
Me: You know, if this doesn’t work, we could always just throw it down the stairs. There’s like eight flights just outside.
Him: Plan B.
Eventually, we did get it open, and I promised to bake everyone on the floor cookies.
Me: *calling my parents back* Hey! I just wanted to call you to tell you to ignore the last message I sent you.
Mom: You sent a message?
Me: On your voicemail. We had a little bit of an emergency, but we got all sorted out. And by we, I mean my roommate, because I was useless.
Mom: I hope no one got hurt?
Me: Oh, no, nothing like that. I just kinda locked my keys in my safe. With my meds. And my meal card. And my credit card.
Mom: *starts laughing*
Me: Never enough excitement. Enjoy your date!
I have no idea what I'm doing.