I came out of my room and started walking downstairs to double-check I had everything I needed for tonight’s dinner, when I spotted a massive spider on the wall right next to me. Naturally, I screamed—except it wasn’t a scream so much as a sad, dying animal noise—and the two of us immediately froze in a staring contest. I broke it off first, very calmly not running down the steps.
I thought I’d wait for my mom to come out of the shower so she could deal with it instead of me, but the spider started moving again.
Me: Don’t do it.
It started making its way towards my room.
Me: Don’t do it, don’t do it!
It ignored me.
Me: Fine. You leave me no choice, creep. Neither of us wants this, but now I have to take care of you.
Clearly, it didn’t think I was that big of a threat, since it kept moving towards my room.
Me: Quit moving, creepy little bugger! This will be so much easier if you just stop moving! Okay? I’m still gonna get you, and set you outside so hard and fast your little head will spin. So cut it out.
I’m pretty sure the spider’s next thought was: You’ll have to catch me, first.
At this point, I needed to gather a cup and a sheet of paper so I could handle it safely, so I had to take my eyes off of it for a minute. By the time I got back up to where I saw it last, it was gone.
Me: Oh, no. No, no, no.
I carefully searched the surrounding walls, stairs and ceiling, with no luck. I saw what looked like a bit of spider web on the ceiling, but no spider. Then, of course, my mom came out of her room, catching me glaring at the web.
Mom: What are you looking at?
Me: I lost a spider. I saw it, and I went to get stuff to take care of it, and now it’s gone.
I stepped back to get a wider view of the ceiling, but something brushed up against my shoulder. I screamed (again), whirling around to find the menacing laundry hanging there.
Mom started laughing.
Me: I think it’s gonna come after me, now.
Me: Well, last I saw it, it was crawling towards my room. And I was kinda trash-talking it.
She started laughing again.
Me: If I die in the night, you’ll know why.
A day later, I woke up with a massive spider bite on my shoulder. So far I have yet to develop superpowers, but I’ll keep you posted.
I have no idea what I'm doing.