I was home with my brother cooking dinner when I felt something tickling the side of my neck. Brushing at it, I saw I knocked a spindly something about the size of a penny to the floor. Naturally, I had to take a closer look.
Me: “There was something on my neck and I think HOLY SHIFEWAETASHDFCRAP THAT IS A SPIDER THERE WAS A SPIDER ON ME!”
Ian: “Well, it’s off you now.”
Me: *repeating myself because clearly he wasn’t fully comprehending the situation* “THERE WAS A SPIDER ON ME!”
Ian: “Yeah, I got that.”
Me: “Oh, I think some of its legs broke. I broke some of the spider’s legs. I’m so sorry, spider.”
Ian: “Did you kill it?”
Me: “No! No, I just broke some of its legs, and now it’s sorta dragging itself away by its non-broken ones. Oh, I’m a horrible person. I’m sorry, spider!”
Ian: “Well, just don’t step on Mr. Spider now, then.”
Me: “I think it died. I think I killed the spider.”
Ian: “No, you just broke some of its legs.”
Me: “And now it’s not moving. I’m a murderer.”
Ian: “Just leave it be.”
Captain Jack: “Meow.”
I walked around to the back door, where our cat, Captain Jack, was standing attentively. I opened the door, and he bounded forward into the backyard, stopping about halfway across the lawn to stare up at a squirrel, sitting on the fence.
Me: “NO! I won’t be responsible for another death! RUN AWAY, MR. SQUIRREL! RUN AWAY!”
I ran out into the backyard after the cat, as the very frightened squirrel hopped away along the fence.
Me: “CAPTAIN! NO!”
The cat then turned to glare at me, like, Thanks for scaring away my meal, bitch.
Ian: “What did you do?”
Me: “Jackie, get back here!”
Jack then turned and ran off to the side yard. I walked back to the house, where my brother was staring at me in amused disbelief.
Me: “He ran off. I think the squirrel’s safe, now, though.”
I turned back to the yard, rather concerned about the neighbors.
Me: *trying to clear the air between me and our probably-not-present neighbors* “I’M HAVING A BAD DAY!”
I then marched back inside, closing the door quickly behind me. Ian couldn’t stop laughing.
Me: “I think the neighbors think I’m crazy.”
My mom, who was away on a business trip, called later that day to let us know that Jack ended up on the neighborhood watch. Apparently, sometime after I had yelled at him and he slunk away to prowl the streets, one of our neighbors found him in her backyard being dive-bombed by birds. As he is a known hunter of both squirrels and birds (and the occasional snake), the birds decided they were fed up with his antics, and so have taken to dive-bombing him whenever he gets too close. You’d think this would deter him, but no. Our poor neighbor was highly concerned, so shooed the birds away, but Jack wouldn’t let her get close enough for her to take him indoors. The concerned woman then snapped a photo of him and uploaded the story to our neighborhood watch page.
My mom found the photo, and informed our neighbor that the cat was not a stray, and in fact our “generally friendly cat, who can sometimes be a little shit.” She then suggested that if the same situation ever arose again, she could just spritz him/the birds with the garden hose to subtly suggest he go home.
I told my parents they weren’t allowed to have any more children (or pets), because they already have a delinquent teenager, and it’s the cat. Heaven knows what would happen if we added another human into the mix.
I just hope I won’t receive any calls from the police regarding his whereabouts.
I have no idea what I'm doing.