I was sitting on the couch when I saw a massive spider speed-walking towards me. Naturally, because I’m scared of them (not to mention very allergic to their bites) I screamed. It sped up, still moving towards me, and ducked under the couch.
Me: Holy crap we’re all going to die!
Mom came downstairs to see me standing on the couch, staring at the floor.
Mom: What is it?
Me: Death. Death upon us all.
Me: There was a spider. A very large, very ugly spider. Now it’s under the couch. Where I sit.
Mom, very unimpressed with my theatrics: I see.
Me: Don’t you know what’s going to happen now? It’s going to crawl up from under the couch, and sometime within the next day I’m going to find it on my shoulder.
Mom, still not taking the situation seriously: That seems likely.
Me: It’s happened before! Now I have to find a new couch to sit on, and it’s gonna be a huge hassle.
Ian, walking into the room: There’s a spider under the couch?
Me: Death upon us all.
Ian: Well, I could help you look for it. Or at least help you move your stuff away.
So, the two of us pushed the couch away from the wall and into the middle of the living room. We didn’t see it.
Me: Great. You know what this means? It’s in the couch.
Ian: The couch ate it.
Me: Now it really is gonna crawl up on me when I’m sitting there.
We moved the couch back, and a minute or so later, the spider (clearly training for a marathon) sprinted out from under the couch.
Me: There it is! Ian, grab something!
Ian: I have a bag of chicken.
I wasn’t sure if he was saying he couldn’t grab something because he was holding chicken, or if he was suggesting we somehow trap the spider in his lunch. I didn’t have time to debate with him, because the spider was headed for the other couch (probably in the hopes that this one wouldn’t be moved around or stood on by screaming twentysomethings), so I sprinted over to the kitchen and grabbed a large plastic cup to trap it under. I managed to catch it with minimal theatrics.
Me: Ha! Take that, sucker!
Then we called Mom back downstairs so she could take it outside. Because teamwork is essential.
I have no idea what I'm doing.